What is your child actually communicating?

I was a wonderful parent before I had children. I was an expert on why everyone else had problems with their own. Then I had my two children.

Living with children can be draining. Every morning I would tell myself, “Today is going to be different,” and thus every morning has been a different one than the earlier:

“You have given him more than me!” . . . “That’s a white cup. I want blue the cup. ”. . . “This breakfast is just eew! . . . “He punched me.” . . . “I did not touch her! ”. . . “I will not go to my room. You’re not my boss! ”

I was finally tired. And even if it was the last thing I ever dreamed of then, I did, I joined a parent group. We had these Sunday meetings.

The meeting was very impressive. The theme was “children’s feelings,” and two hours flew by. I went back to home, my head spinning with undigested thoughts and new ideas:

There is a direct communication between how children feel and how they behave.

When children feel right they will behave right.

How do we help them feel right? By accepting their feelings!

The problem — Parents often do not accept their children’s feelings.

Example: “You don’t really feel that way.” “You’re just saying that because you’re tired.” “There’s no reason to be so upset.”

Continual denial of feelings can be confusing and frustrating for children. And it also teaches them not to know their feelings — not to trust them. After the meeting I remember thinking, “Maybe some parents do that. Not me.” Then I started listening to myself. Here are some typical conversations from my home — from just one day:

Nikhil: Mommy, I’m tired.

ME: You couldn’t be tired. You just napped.

Nikhil: (louder) But I’m tired.

ME: You’re not tired. You’re just a little sleepy. Let’s get dressed.

Nikhil: (wailing) No, I’m tired!

********

Rhea: Mommy, it’s hot in here.

ME: It’s cold. Keep your sweater on.

Rhea: No, I’m hot.

ME: I said, “Keep your sweater on!”

Rhea: No, I’m hot.

********

Nikhil: That TV show was boring.

ME: No, it wasn’t. It was very interesting.

Nikhil: It was stupid.

ME: It was educational.

Nikhil: It is so boring.

ME: Don’t talk that way!

Did you observe what has happened? Not only did all our conversations turn into arguments, I also told my children over and over again not to trust their feelings but to trust mine instead. Once I knew what I was doing, I was determined to change. But I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. The last thing that helped me was actually putting myself in my children’s shoes. I asked myself, “Suppose I was a tired child, or a hot or a bored child and let’s just say I wanted the most important adults in my life to know how I was feeling. . . ? ”

In the weeks that followed, I tried to tune in with what I thought my children were going through, and when I did, my words seemed to follow naturally. I wasn’t just using a certain process. I meant when I said, “So you still feel tired.” I meant it when I said,” So you still feel tired — even though you just fell asleep. Or “I’m cold, but for you it’s hot here.”

After all, we were two different people, who could have two different ways of feeling. Neither of us was right or wrong. Each of us felt how we felt. For a while, my new ability was very helpful.

Then one day my daughter announced, “I hate you,” and it was me she was talking about. I never hesitated for a moment. I said, “This is a terrible thing to say.” You know you don’t mean it, I snapped.

That day, I realised I can relate to the many emotions my children had, however if I let one of them tell me something that made me angry or anxious, I soon was back to my old way.

Every single statement that your child says to you has a reason behind it.

“My child doesn’t have to struggle at all. He has everything he needs and more”. My child had won numerous debates and hosted multiple conferences.” I have often heard parents say these lines. But this has created a different set of problems for a child. Children are never taught to speak their mind. It is considered rude. Often the reality is hidden in between the lines.

Can a child show that he is stressed about an exam? The first reaction would be — “Oh! You didn’t prepare well. Had you studied as I told, you wouldn’t be feeling this way” Sounds familiar, right?

Can a child tell his parent that their behaviour was unreasonable? No, that is not acceptable behaviour, right?

No wonder that children are having to use phrases that cover the real need and communicate what would be acceptable for you to hear.

Our instinct is to react and not to understand the real reason. Probably why we ourselves have always been so confused in communicating ourselves and this will only lead to raising more and more confused generations to come!

Unless! Unless we pause…we pause and pay attention to what is being communicated and not what is being said.